The Great Work Continues
Glory to Shrimpjaw! The world wide web is simply too small a place to contain the brilliance of Shrimpjaw in one place for too long. Don't worry, loyal shrimpfans (your puffy, tear soaked faces disgust us even more than you usually do). We packed Kaak, Mascella, Quijada, Machoire, Oscar, and his wildly impoverished family into an industrial sized shipping crate and moved them all here to Shrimpjaw's new digs. Like certain American corporations seeking tax breaks (OOOOOHH! FUCKING BURN ON YOU HALLIBURTON!!!!) . The Shrimpjaw compound has decided to move its operations overseas. Specifically, we've relocated to the island of Nendo, which astute shrimpfans (the world's largest oxymoron) will recall Shrimpjaw purchased back in '98. Not satisfied to relocate to a faceless office building in the center of scenic downtown Lata, we instead chose to have the whole compound transported here piece by piece. True, we could have just swam across the ocean with the compound resting on our spry and amazingly defined shoulders, but there was some controversy with the Navy first needing to classify us as a Ford-class supercarrier. Besides, salt water is torture on our majestic Shrimplocks.

You might be wondering how Shrimpjaw has chosen to deal with the native inhabitants of Nendo. You also might be wondering what that hideous, gargoyled visage is staring at from that magic seeing wall in your tiny efficiency apartment bathroom. First off, that's a mirror, the thing you wish you could look in every morning and see Shrimpjaw's beautiful face staring back at you. Secondly, that monstrosity, I'm afraid, is you. We chose to take a play out of the book of renowned President and NDN-killer Andrew Jackson in our dealings with our 5,000+ Nendian brothers. However, instead of a systematic destruction of their culture through disease, seizure of land, and assimilation, we instead simply dropped the entire Compound onto the island from a height of 1.7 miles, effectively laying waste to anything not Shrimpjaw. Our new address is as follows:

Shrimpjaw the Magnificent
1 Jawe-de-Shrimpe Drive
Thewholemotherfuckingisland, Nendo 89045

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Nendo's 195 square miles of land area isn't nearly enough to contain the entire Shrimpjaw Compound! What will become of the turtle altar?" No need to fear, shrimpfans. Kaak and Quijada teamed up to invent a series of spacious underground chambers stretching some 2.5 miles below the island into the depths of the Pacific Ocean. Not only does this mean that there will be plenty of room for the brand new Museum of Shrimpjaw's Sexual Conquests; documenting every one of the billions of sexual encounters Shrimpjaw has had with actresses, athletes, supermodels, robots, animals, and various inanimate objects, but it also means that Shrimpjaw will be able to get that sweet, sweet sharklove whenever he wants.

Finally, for those of you who might be new to the Shrimpnomenon, what the fuck took you so long? Shrimpjaw has been pumping out insightful, highly informative celebrity news gold for years now (give or take a couple months and a few tiny sabbaticals). We're not going to take the time needed to catch you up on every little nuance of the Shrimpjaw world. Shrimpjaw is far too busy boning supermodels and snorting lines of diamond dust with Kat...Amy Winehouse (Man, that's going to take some getting used to) for that. The basic gist is this: We'll inform you of our greatness at length, mock every aspect of your collective being, talk about how well endowed we are, share a story of what's going on around the Shrimpjaw Compound, insult you again, and if there's time we just might comment on some celebrity news. Got it? Of course you don't.

That's all for now, shrimpfans. We'll be back to not making any new posts in no time.