Women of Earth Go Apeshit-Insane

If there's one thing the universe has taught the mighty Shrimpjaw it is that things go in cycles; the seasons continue to change, clothing styles go out and come back in, Shrimpjaw readers go from stupid and ugly to idiotic and putrid and back again, and women seem to have all their marbles and then BOOM; they've lost it.

Seriously, what's the fucking deal out there?  This shit is starting to get as ridiculous as Madonna's acting attempts.  Come on, Shrimpjaw spends a week in space on the Shrimpshuttle on vacation and suddenly all Hollywood women get their vaginas in a twist?  I mean, we thought it would be okay if we spent a little time relaxing and boning moonslutz and getting as far away from all the autograph-seekers and women-who-want-us-to-heal-their-deformed-children-with-our-shrimptouch-ers as we could. However, it's obvious as to what has happened here; the world would is losing its shit as a result of our being not in physical contact with it.  That's right, it seems that even Mother Earth gets a little antsy when the well-defined cut abs and golden-plated penis of Shrimpjaw aren't around.

What the fuck has gotten us so agitated, you ask?  Fuck, shut your cavernous fast-food-filled mouth, we'll tell you if you give us a second.
What we're referring to is returning back to Earth and seeing this...

                    

That's right.  The Queen of the Damned herself, the ex-Mrs. Federline, has done gone and shaved her noggin' (see, her Louisiana backwoods speech patterns are fucking ridiculous).  We're not going to bullshit you here (that would be too much for your simple and slow brain to handle); Britney Spears is losing her fucking mind.  It's not even a question, it's a fact.  A fact as certain as "Shrimpjaw booned roughly 8,000+ women last night", or "Shrimpjaw is, on paper, officially the Sultan of Brunei" or "That one time Shrimpjaw did not win the Mr. Olympia contest was not because we were bested (You thought that for a second, didn't you, you assfaced herpes-passing machine.  You fuck.) but because of a numerical adding order in the Judge-O-Bot 1000".  For those of you who are not aware, all of the worlds Judge-O-Bot 1000's were then smashed by Shrimpjaw's Herculean fists after the contest.  If a machine can't decipher a simple equation such as 'Shrimpjaw>Everything', then what kind of product is it?

                                                 

Oh Anna, Anna, Anna.  Why do you do it to us?  Profaning the dead is not something Shrimpjaw does lightly.  Unless a certain girl, let's call her H. Gorecki, were to get hit by a cement truck whilst on her way to her weekly "Coping with Preteen Ugliness" meeting.  Then we might do a little more than profane the dead.  We won't give any details, but it involves banging Hanna...er...H's hideous Irish washerwoman mother on top of her daughter's pauper grave.  Now that's what we call a wake!  But Anna, honestly, what part of your life wasn't a joke?  The stripping, marrying Skeletor's grandfather for "true love", getting ridiculously Orca huge, your "hit" reality show, dropping about half your weight at the expense of half of your brain.  Oh, and hey, what about that time you died in the Bahamas?  Yeah, that was pretty stupid, too.

However, none of that could ever top this.  This video is so fucking beyond the scope of anything that should happen on the planet earth that Shrimpjaw is actually having a hard time of coming up with anything bad to say about it.  It's like trying to describe the beauty of being mounted by Shrimpjaw to one of our readers.  It's very possible that the words exist, but they could conceivably melt your whole head were we to utter them into your malformed, wax-filled ears.  We fed a copy of the video into the Shrimptron 2800 Deluxe Supercomputer and Sandwich Dispenser GT, but it just began flashing a red warning light and started shooting out ream after ream of paper covered with what Kaak tells us are Maya heiroglyphs.  He hasn't finished his translation yet, but he says there's some disturbing shit in there about an aberration in the Tzolk'in after the thirteenth b'ak'tun.  We'll have to make sure he keeps an eye on that.