shrimpjaw (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} shrimpjaw) wrote,@ 2006-03-06 22:16:00 |
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Madonna Rides Her Chariot Through Idiotville
You know Maui? It sucks.
Wait, you don't know Maui? No, of course not, why would you? It's not across from a Wal-Mart.
Shit. Well, for starters, it's an island...you're serious? An island...ISLAND. I swear, I fucking hate you guys. You know what? Just forget it. We'll put it in terms you can understand...on Maui you can go out behind your house and not have your view blocked by the other trailers up on blocks.
But anyway, back to the main point...Maui fucking blows. It just straight up sucks. Yeah, there's a beach, there are tons of plenty of beaches, but come on! You think the mindblowingly wealthy and potent Shrimpjaw goes all weak-kneed for a beach? Hell, we fucking own Nendo, we bought it from the Soloman Islands government in '98.
It's not the beaches, okay? It's the Hawaiian Tropic Pageant. Every spring the women come to Maui for a month to 'train'. This year, with all the bullshit that's been going on around the office, we thought we'd stop by and give the ladies an early, little 'good-luck'. I mean, how else are we going to spend a relaxing couple of days, going to Pheasant Hill Mall in Nashua, New Hampshire? Fuck that, we'd rather be the victim of a hammer and tent peg murder.
So, after ripping our way through 50 tanned and buxom women in a single night we were a little discouraged. I mean, they could barely move anymore, let alone go another round with us, the Zeus-like Shrimpjawicus. We turned our sights on the population of Maui hoping that after working our way through their nether-regions we would be satiated, but hell, Maui only has 118,000 inhabitants. That would never be enough (we plowed the roughly 60,000 women of Maui anyway).
After broadstroking the Alenuihaha Channel in mere minutes we then sacked the vaginal walls of the women of Hilo. All in all, it was a decent 24 hours but now here we sit, at the Beach Dog Internet Cafe on Kinoole Street...and why? For you. Now, in spite of the fact that 98.3% of Shrimpjaw's readers are illiterate (we know, Kaak's done studies) we still take time out of our vastly superior and more fantastically delicious day to fill you in on lives that you will never be a part of. You're welcome.
"Oi! Ee need'en summ fishhen 'n chuppz! Wai iz'n Amuuricah sew proppostiruz?"
Yeah, Shrimpjaw's Madonna impression is really coming along. That's good news because the ole' Material Girl is once again in the news. Seriously though, when ISN'T Madonna in the news? Christ, we don't get it. Everyone seems to love Madonna, that old queen of the lepers can do anything and get into the papers; "Ooo, look, Madonna bought a hummingbird, she's naming it Wolverstein, PRINT IT, FRONT PAGE!" We just don't get it. Why would someone who looks like Odo from Deep Space Nine get so much press? It doesn't make sense. Surely the amount of press attention one receives should be based on the index rating of their sheer beauty. Hence, Shrimpjaw would be the most covered subject followed in second place by Shrimpjaw's piles of money. Madonna would be near last, a few notches above Paltrow's Shivaesque breasts and of course, in absolute graveyard last place, Gorecki, the bringer of plague and death.
So, Madonna still has a massive uterine boner for Europe. Why? Well, the United States just fucking sucks so much, don't you know? I mean, Robbie Williams isn't even a superstar here! Can you believe it? What's the point of living (if you can even call life without Robbie Williams on the tele every night 'living')? But yeah, according to Madonna, America is terrified of a strong woman. Here, she'll tell you..."In Europe and Asia and elsewhere, women have ruled over millions; it's not an abstract or frightening or out-of-the-box concept. But in America, men are still afraid of women. And women, I don't think, trust women. I find that amazing."
I don't know Madonna, I don't think a lot of people would consider a woman president an abstract concept. Perhaps they might consider it an unlikely one, but abstract, I don't know. The effects of solar gamma radiation on the human emotion of love...now that's an abstract concept. Can THAT run for President? Now, that would be something.
"President Effects of Solar Gamma Radiation on the Human Emotion of Love, the Kyoto Protocols are turning out to be drastic for this nation's economy. What should we do?"
"...BURRRRRN THEM! BURRRRRRN EVERYTHIIIIING!"
"Thank you, sir."
What a fucking cabinet that thing would have too. Secretary of Defense? The Symbiotic Mental Bond Between Mother and Child. Secretary of the Interior? The Weight of the Human Soul. Yeah, it might be a few years until the American people are ready for that team. As for American men being afraid of women, we would have to disagree, unless of course, we're talking about being afraid of women having small titties, 'cause that's absolutely horrifying! AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? OOOOOOO, YEAH, HIGH FUCKING FIVE ME, JIM! Listen though, there's only one thing that Shrimpjaw is truly afraid of, and as we're never going to lose our looks then we actually don't have anything to worry about. So, if a woman wants to run for president of Neutrogena Cosmetics, then fine, so be it. We're content with getting paid more than she will anyway.
It also must be said, that as much as Madonna IS terrible she has done one thing right; her daughter Lourdes. Shrimpjaw loves Lourdes so goddamn much because Lourdes absolutely hates her mother. We were going to have a birthday party for Lourdes in Quijada's lab last year but Quijada advised us not to as we'd probably just get drunk and try to bang her. He's definitely right though, we would try (even with just one eye he sees everything). Well, we'd try and succeed. Anyway, Lourdes recently asked her mom if she was una homosexual...
"Lourdes is really obsessed with who is gay," says Madonna in an interview in Out magazine. "And she even asked, 'Mom, you know they say that you are gay?' And I'm, 'Oh, do they? Why?' And she says, 'Because you kissed Britney Spears.' And I said, 'No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears. I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."
Uhhhhhhh, okay. I don't actually believe Madonna has a reason to be gay or not gay. As a person with both sets of reproductive organs, Madonna is something unto herself. But the thing that really makes us curious is why didn't Madonna just give Lourdes a simple, 'No, I'm not gay' ? Actually, scratch that, we know why she didn't say that; it's simply much too rational of a thing for Madonna to say. If she HAD tried to say it we're sure it would have come out more along the lines of "No, Lourdes, I'm not gay. You're gay, you little gaybo. You dirty vagina-eater!". That's MadonnaDetroit parenting for you. Really, the point is anything would have been a less bizarre answer than 'I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her'. Madonna could have said 'Hey, Rumixlcotzl, look at those four legged monkeys' and it would have been a better explanation.
Great. This is going to be like a get out of jail free card for Lourdes' sexual escapades for the rest of her life. She's going to be off in seven years banging the shit out of the Seal/Klum lupus nightmare baby in the Tower of London (Editor's Note: ....hmmmm?) when Madonna will burst in and see Lourdes, Seal/Klum's LupusChild, a bear, boxes full of Typhoid Fever, David Bowie, some dude wearing one of those cheesy Scream masks, and a turtle altar. Madonna will ask what the fuck is going on and Lourdes will just be like, "It's cool mom, I'm just passing on my energy to them", and then she'll smile that fucking mischevious smile that 17 year-old's give when they are throwing something their parents said or did back in their face. Yeah, Lourdes...soldier of fortune.
In more Teri Hatcher-y news, Mrs. Ed herself has come forward in the latest issue of Vanity Fair magazine claiming that she was sexually molested by her uncle from the ages of five to eight. In the article, Hatcher tells of how in 2002 a 14 year-old girl killed herself after being sexually abused by the man. Fearing that the case may have been thrown out of court, Hatcher stepped forward to report his abuse of her when she was a young'un and viola, the bad guy gets 12 years in prison. Huzzah! Santa Clara County Deputy D.A. Chuck Gillingham commended Lois (but not Clark), saying, "Without Teri, this case would have been dismissed - heroic is a word that doesn't do what she did justice."
Oh man, Shrimpjaw loves it when celebs save the day! Why, it's just like a movie in REAL LIFE! Wowie-zowie! You know what have been a better ending for this real life movie though? If Hatcher's uncle went full out with the molestion on Hatcher and the story ended with Hatcher killing herself, not some not-famous 14 year old girl. If the world had any sense of justice, Teri Hatcher would have killed herself out of sexual abuse realted guilt. That's right, Teri, it WAS your fault. No amount of 'Take Back The Night' rally's can change that. Damn, if there was any justice in the world Teri hatcher would have offed herself. That's what's wrong with the world today; Teri Hatcher can come forward and say "Oooo, my uncle rubbed a pinky over my pre-botoxed labia" and people proclaim her a hero. What's that all about? Wouldn't it have been more heroic if Hatcher had come forward earlier, you know, like before the 14 year old girl shot herself in the face? Seems to us that perhaps that would have been slightly more heroic. But then again, like we were just saying, there's no justice in the world. That's why we here at Shrimpjaw are inventing Shrimpjawstice, our own form of iron-clad, steel-balled, small-Vietnamese-village-raping justice. It's like normal justice but way more beautiful and musclebound. Also, our justice always finds in favor of hilarity, because, really, without the laughter of small children in the world, what have we become?
You know Maui? It sucks.
Wait, you don't know Maui? No, of course not, why would you? It's not across from a Wal-Mart.
Shit. Well, for starters, it's an island...you're serious? An island...ISLAND. I swear, I fucking hate you guys. You know what? Just forget it. We'll put it in terms you can understand...on Maui you can go out behind your house and not have your view blocked by the other trailers up on blocks.
But anyway, back to the main point...Maui fucking blows. It just straight up sucks. Yeah, there's a beach, there are tons of plenty of beaches, but come on! You think the mindblowingly wealthy and potent Shrimpjaw goes all weak-kneed for a beach? Hell, we fucking own Nendo, we bought it from the Soloman Islands government in '98.
It's not the beaches, okay? It's the Hawaiian Tropic Pageant. Every spring the women come to Maui for a month to 'train'. This year, with all the bullshit that's been going on around the office, we thought we'd stop by and give the ladies an early, little 'good-luck'. I mean, how else are we going to spend a relaxing couple of days, going to Pheasant Hill Mall in Nashua, New Hampshire? Fuck that, we'd rather be the victim of a hammer and tent peg murder.
So, after ripping our way through 50 tanned and buxom women in a single night we were a little discouraged. I mean, they could barely move anymore, let alone go another round with us, the Zeus-like Shrimpjawicus. We turned our sights on the population of Maui hoping that after working our way through their nether-regions we would be satiated, but hell, Maui only has 118,000 inhabitants. That would never be enough (we plowed the roughly 60,000 women of Maui anyway).
After broadstroking the Alenuihaha Channel in mere minutes we then sacked the vaginal walls of the women of Hilo. All in all, it was a decent 24 hours but now here we sit, at the Beach Dog Internet Cafe on Kinoole Street...and why? For you. Now, in spite of the fact that 98.3% of Shrimpjaw's readers are illiterate (we know, Kaak's done studies) we still take time out of our vastly superior and more fantastically delicious day to fill you in on lives that you will never be a part of. You're welcome.
"Oi! Ee need'en summ fishhen 'n chuppz! Wai iz'n Amuuricah sew proppostiruz?"
Yeah, Shrimpjaw's Madonna impression is really coming along. That's good news because the ole' Material Girl is once again in the news. Seriously though, when ISN'T Madonna in the news? Christ, we don't get it. Everyone seems to love Madonna, that old queen of the lepers can do anything and get into the papers; "Ooo, look, Madonna bought a hummingbird, she's naming it Wolverstein, PRINT IT, FRONT PAGE!" We just don't get it. Why would someone who looks like Odo from Deep Space Nine get so much press? It doesn't make sense. Surely the amount of press attention one receives should be based on the index rating of their sheer beauty. Hence, Shrimpjaw would be the most covered subject followed in second place by Shrimpjaw's piles of money. Madonna would be near last, a few notches above Paltrow's Shivaesque breasts and of course, in absolute graveyard last place, Gorecki, the bringer of plague and death.
So, Madonna still has a massive uterine boner for Europe. Why? Well, the United States just fucking sucks so much, don't you know? I mean, Robbie Williams isn't even a superstar here! Can you believe it? What's the point of living (if you can even call life without Robbie Williams on the tele every night 'living')? But yeah, according to Madonna, America is terrified of a strong woman. Here, she'll tell you..."In Europe and Asia and elsewhere, women have ruled over millions; it's not an abstract or frightening or out-of-the-box concept. But in America, men are still afraid of women. And women, I don't think, trust women. I find that amazing."
I don't know Madonna, I don't think a lot of people would consider a woman president an abstract concept. Perhaps they might consider it an unlikely one, but abstract, I don't know. The effects of solar gamma radiation on the human emotion of love...now that's an abstract concept. Can THAT run for President? Now, that would be something.
"President Effects of Solar Gamma Radiation on the Human Emotion of Love, the Kyoto Protocols are turning out to be drastic for this nation's economy. What should we do?"
"...BURRRRRN THEM! BURRRRRRN EVERYTHIIIIING!"
"Thank you, sir."
What a fucking cabinet that thing would have too. Secretary of Defense? The Symbiotic Mental Bond Between Mother and Child. Secretary of the Interior? The Weight of the Human Soul. Yeah, it might be a few years until the American people are ready for that team. As for American men being afraid of women, we would have to disagree, unless of course, we're talking about being afraid of women having small titties, 'cause that's absolutely horrifying! AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT? OOOOOOO, YEAH, HIGH FUCKING FIVE ME, JIM! Listen though, there's only one thing that Shrimpjaw is truly afraid of, and as we're never going to lose our looks then we actually don't have anything to worry about. So, if a woman wants to run for president of Neutrogena Cosmetics, then fine, so be it. We're content with getting paid more than she will anyway.
It also must be said, that as much as Madonna IS terrible she has done one thing right; her daughter Lourdes. Shrimpjaw loves Lourdes so goddamn much because Lourdes absolutely hates her mother. We were going to have a birthday party for Lourdes in Quijada's lab last year but Quijada advised us not to as we'd probably just get drunk and try to bang her. He's definitely right though, we would try (even with just one eye he sees everything). Well, we'd try and succeed. Anyway, Lourdes recently asked her mom if she was una homosexual...
"Lourdes is really obsessed with who is gay," says Madonna in an interview in Out magazine. "And she even asked, 'Mom, you know they say that you are gay?' And I'm, 'Oh, do they? Why?' And she says, 'Because you kissed Britney Spears.' And I said, 'No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears. I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."
Uhhhhhhh, okay. I don't actually believe Madonna has a reason to be gay or not gay. As a person with both sets of reproductive organs, Madonna is something unto herself. But the thing that really makes us curious is why didn't Madonna just give Lourdes a simple, 'No, I'm not gay' ? Actually, scratch that, we know why she didn't say that; it's simply much too rational of a thing for Madonna to say. If she HAD tried to say it we're sure it would have come out more along the lines of "No, Lourdes, I'm not gay. You're gay, you little gaybo. You dirty vagina-eater!". That's MadonnaDetroit parenting for you. Really, the point is anything would have been a less bizarre answer than 'I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her'. Madonna could have said 'Hey, Rumixlcotzl, look at those four legged monkeys' and it would have been a better explanation.
Great. This is going to be like a get out of jail free card for Lourdes' sexual escapades for the rest of her life. She's going to be off in seven years banging the shit out of the Seal/Klum lupus nightmare baby in the Tower of London (Editor's Note: ....hmmmm?) when Madonna will burst in and see Lourdes, Seal/Klum's LupusChild, a bear, boxes full of Typhoid Fever, David Bowie, some dude wearing one of those cheesy Scream masks, and a turtle altar. Madonna will ask what the fuck is going on and Lourdes will just be like, "It's cool mom, I'm just passing on my energy to them", and then she'll smile that fucking mischevious smile that 17 year-old's give when they are throwing something their parents said or did back in their face. Yeah, Lourdes...soldier of fortune.
In more Teri Hatcher-y news, Mrs. Ed herself has come forward in the latest issue of Vanity Fair magazine claiming that she was sexually molested by her uncle from the ages of five to eight. In the article, Hatcher tells of how in 2002 a 14 year-old girl killed herself after being sexually abused by the man. Fearing that the case may have been thrown out of court, Hatcher stepped forward to report his abuse of her when she was a young'un and viola, the bad guy gets 12 years in prison. Huzzah! Santa Clara County Deputy D.A. Chuck Gillingham commended Lois (but not Clark), saying, "Without Teri, this case would have been dismissed - heroic is a word that doesn't do what she did justice."
Oh man, Shrimpjaw loves it when celebs save the day! Why, it's just like a movie in REAL LIFE! Wowie-zowie! You know what have been a better ending for this real life movie though? If Hatcher's uncle went full out with the molestion on Hatcher and the story ended with Hatcher killing herself, not some not-famous 14 year old girl. If the world had any sense of justice, Teri Hatcher would have killed herself out of sexual abuse realted guilt. That's right, Teri, it WAS your fault. No amount of 'Take Back The Night' rally's can change that. Damn, if there was any justice in the world Teri hatcher would have offed herself. That's what's wrong with the world today; Teri Hatcher can come forward and say "Oooo, my uncle rubbed a pinky over my pre-botoxed labia" and people proclaim her a hero. What's that all about? Wouldn't it have been more heroic if Hatcher had come forward earlier, you know, like before the 14 year old girl shot herself in the face? Seems to us that perhaps that would have been slightly more heroic. But then again, like we were just saying, there's no justice in the world. That's why we here at Shrimpjaw are inventing Shrimpjawstice, our own form of iron-clad, steel-balled, small-Vietnamese-village-raping justice. It's like normal justice but way more beautiful and musclebound. Also, our justice always finds in favor of hilarity, because, really, without the laughter of small children in the world, what have we become?
