shrimpjaw (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} shrimpjaw) wrote,@ 2006-02-27 19:41:00 |
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Supreme Court to Render Decision in Whore v. Corpse
The time has come. The federal government has completely lost its shit in relation to what is and is not important. The Supreme Court has decided to hear the a case involving none other than Anna Nicole Smith.
We're just going to give you a minute to ponder over that last sentence while we grab a ridiculously high proof beverage from our fully stocked bar.
Yes, Anna Nicole Smith, a woman who is so pathetically idiotic that she makes Pamela Anderson look like Marilyn Vos Savant (Oh, you've never heard of her, simple reader? Shrimpjaw is shocked. Shocked) has been given the opportunity to have her case argued before the nation's highest court. Surely Ms. Smith's case must have been of the utmost importance. Perhaps her freedom of speech was being infringed upon, well, if you can call the mumbled gibberish that comes tumbling out past her super-botoxed lips "speech". Or maybe she was denied the right to have an abortion. Lord knows that at the rate she gets banged out (Kaak once calculated it at something along the lines of 68,996 gigabangs per minute.) it was going to happen eventually. I'm sure her son Daniel wishes that she had utilized that choice about twenty years ago, you know, before she did him the huge favor of having him cast in bit parts in two of her softcore porn movies. I'm sure that went over real well with his friends, "Hey dude, I was jerking off to 'Skyscraper' the other day and I totally saw you. High five! Oh, and could you steal some of your mom's underwear for me?" Yeah, his middle school years weren't at all awkward.
Unfortunately, it turns out that the case involves an inheritance dispute over the $1.6 billion estate left by Smith's deceased oil tycoon husband Howard Marshall. What? You don't remember their storybook love affair? How a twenty-six year old Smith married a man sixty-three years her senior (We'll wait for you to do the math...ok, you were way off, but whatever.) only to have him die of stomach cancer a year later. Shrimpjaw is sure she was torn up about it, him being her one and only true love, and all. Smith is fighting with Marshall's son Pierce for half of the estate money. Christ, what's the big deal? It's only a measly 800 million. Shrimpjaw routinely finds that much money searching through the pockets of his finely tailored Italian silk pants. Now, why the Supreme Court would be interested in this particular case, seeing as it only hands down about 150 decisions a year, is beyond us, but we have two good guesses, and both of them are firmly (if not surgically) attached to Anna Nicole's torso. It would explain the comments current Chief Justice John Roberts made on taking the bench, and we quote, "God, what this place needs is some fucking TITTIES! U S A! U S A! U S A!" Judging from the current makeup of the court, we predict that anyone who wants to bone Smith is going to vote in her favor. Predicted outcome: 6:3, Sluts.
It looks like George Michael has hit another career milestone. It seems that Andrew Ridgeley's better half was found by London police passed out inside his car in the middle of the night. He was arrested on suspicion of drug possession, but judging from the Britpolice's less than stellar track record with the eternally awesome Kate Moss (There was video of her snorting it, for fucks sake!) he should be ok. Well, no, maybe not ok, after all, he's still George Michael. Fuck, that guy really should have blown his brains out after "Faith". Oh, and what are the chances that this little tidbit makes it into Gwyneth Paltrow's next UK dicksucking diatribe? Yeah, that's what we thought.
The time has come. The federal government has completely lost its shit in relation to what is and is not important. The Supreme Court has decided to hear the a case involving none other than Anna Nicole Smith.
We're just going to give you a minute to ponder over that last sentence while we grab a ridiculously high proof beverage from our fully stocked bar.
Yes, Anna Nicole Smith, a woman who is so pathetically idiotic that she makes Pamela Anderson look like Marilyn Vos Savant (Oh, you've never heard of her, simple reader? Shrimpjaw is shocked. Shocked) has been given the opportunity to have her case argued before the nation's highest court. Surely Ms. Smith's case must have been of the utmost importance. Perhaps her freedom of speech was being infringed upon, well, if you can call the mumbled gibberish that comes tumbling out past her super-botoxed lips "speech". Or maybe she was denied the right to have an abortion. Lord knows that at the rate she gets banged out (Kaak once calculated it at something along the lines of 68,996 gigabangs per minute.) it was going to happen eventually. I'm sure her son Daniel wishes that she had utilized that choice about twenty years ago, you know, before she did him the huge favor of having him cast in bit parts in two of her softcore porn movies. I'm sure that went over real well with his friends, "Hey dude, I was jerking off to 'Skyscraper' the other day and I totally saw you. High five! Oh, and could you steal some of your mom's underwear for me?" Yeah, his middle school years weren't at all awkward.
Unfortunately, it turns out that the case involves an inheritance dispute over the $1.6 billion estate left by Smith's deceased oil tycoon husband Howard Marshall. What? You don't remember their storybook love affair? How a twenty-six year old Smith married a man sixty-three years her senior (We'll wait for you to do the math...ok, you were way off, but whatever.) only to have him die of stomach cancer a year later. Shrimpjaw is sure she was torn up about it, him being her one and only true love, and all. Smith is fighting with Marshall's son Pierce for half of the estate money. Christ, what's the big deal? It's only a measly 800 million. Shrimpjaw routinely finds that much money searching through the pockets of his finely tailored Italian silk pants. Now, why the Supreme Court would be interested in this particular case, seeing as it only hands down about 150 decisions a year, is beyond us, but we have two good guesses, and both of them are firmly (if not surgically) attached to Anna Nicole's torso. It would explain the comments current Chief Justice John Roberts made on taking the bench, and we quote, "God, what this place needs is some fucking TITTIES! U S A! U S A! U S A!" Judging from the current makeup of the court, we predict that anyone who wants to bone Smith is going to vote in her favor. Predicted outcome: 6:3, Sluts.
It looks like George Michael has hit another career milestone. It seems that Andrew Ridgeley's better half was found by London police passed out inside his car in the middle of the night. He was arrested on suspicion of drug possession, but judging from the Britpolice's less than stellar track record with the eternally awesome Kate Moss (There was video of her snorting it, for fucks sake!) he should be ok. Well, no, maybe not ok, after all, he's still George Michael. Fuck, that guy really should have blown his brains out after "Faith". Oh, and what are the chances that this little tidbit makes it into Gwyneth Paltrow's next UK dicksucking diatribe? Yeah, that's what we thought.
