All The Shrimp You Can Eat

Givin Us Thut Divorz
So, Madonna and Lock Stock are most likely getting a divorce. Did you hear about that?

Trick question, filth.

Of course you haven't heard about it. You haven't heard about it because 1) we haven't told you about it yet and 2) because your deformed mongoloid ears are incapable of detecting sounds. Why do we even bother sharing information with you anyway? It's not like there's any room for it in your glazed-ham-soaked brain. Where would new information even fit? There's no space left in your head, what with you trying desperately to remember the names and numbers of all the Nascar drivers and what size spoon you use to eat straight gravy (answer: We know you just scoop it up with your fat, stubby fingers. We should put all of you in camps). ANYWAY, it seems that Guy Ritchie is no longer capable of dealing with Madonna's shit. We can see it now; "Oi, Guy! Oi! Given moi summ chupz!"   EVERY DAY. EVERY SINGLE DAY. We'd like to say we understand where Ritchie is coming from, but not only are we totally incapable of understanding what it would be like to be a mere mortal but we al...

Sorry (note - we're not really sorry), but we just caught a glimpse of our heroic and chiseled features in the Nendoan God-Mirror that sits directly in front of one of our NASA-built computer hubs here at the Shrimpjaw compound and couldn't refuse gazing upon our tremendously attractive visage. Man, we're beautiful.  Our shrimpectorals are looking, dare we say, even more diamond-shattering than usual.

Back to Guy Ritchie. So, not only are we totally incapable of understanding what it would be like to be a mere mortal but we also cannot muster any sympathy or compassion for a "man" (the English aren't real men, just look at Daniel Craig) that was with Madonna for over TEN YEARS. Ten years...do you know how many women Shrimpjaw has plowed in that time? Wait, first, do you understand the concept of time? No, of course you don't. Time is the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another. We know that those words to you may as well have been written in Farsi (Farsi. F-A-R...nevermind), so we'll go another tactic. Time is the thing that separates you from watching the next rerun of 'Home Improvement' on TBS that comes on at 7:30. Back to something worthwhile now; Shrimpjaw. Let's just say that in ten years time Shrimpjaw has banged so much poon that we even got around to your mom. She tired quickly and yet she managed to go right back to popping all those Pizzapills into her gob. And yes, after looking at her, we can assure you that Pizzapills still do their job. The only thing Guy Ritchie has plowed in the past ten years have been books on Kabbalah and his own tears. If you ask the mighty Shrimpjaw, it's a fitting end for one that marries Madonna.

And today in Boning-Makes-Babies news, it was revealed that thirteen years ago Lindsay Lohan's dad humped some lady, got her all fat-bellied, and had a girlkid that no one (excluding Lohan's dad, the lady he booned, the 13 year old love child, and R. Kelly) was aware even existed.  Great. Is this really what the world needs? Another Lohan girl running around, going fucking bananas and waking up with a face full of jcocaine? Oh man, we bet Ali Lohan (Lindsay's OTHER younger sister) is going to be pissed. The competition between the two young-un Lohans is going to be brutal and full of blood. We can see it now, Ali tries to play it all sweet and innocent and just lures in NewLohanGirl, then completely loses her shit. Oh hell, wait a minute. Thirteen years old? Thirteen? You know who was ten in 2005, making her three years older now in the year 2008? That's right, Hannah fucking Gorecki. Lohan's new half sister is Gorecki, Christ, they don't even know what they are in for. Oh man, just watch, Ali is going to invite her over for a slumber party never having met her and it's all going to descend right to hell.

Ali: Lo-Lee-Liho-Linds, I invited our new sister over for a big slumber party!
Lindsay: Are you sure it's not going to be weird?
Ali: No, I invited a ton of people over, it'll be fine. Roy McGillicuddy is coming.
Lindsay: He's so funny.
Ali: Billy Prescott is coming.
Lindsay: He's so hawt.
Ali: I knowz!
(Doorbell rings)
Ali: That must be her! Our new sis!
(Ali opens door, Gorecki's shotgun-blast-to-the-face appearance stuns all. Chaos ensues)
Lindsay: Oh God...OH GOD, WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT??? RUN! RUUUNNNN!
Gorecki: GGGraaahhhraaaasssshhh!
Ali: It's got me! Oh God, it's got me! IT WON'T LET GO!
Lindsay: Look at it's teeth! My God, get the guns! We have to get the guns!
Ali: IT BIT ME! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! OOOOHHH GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!
Lindsay: What is that...? What is it...is it laying eggs?
Ali: Lindsay...Lindsay...I think...I'm not going to make it....
Lindsay: Why did you let it in, Ali? WHY DID YOU LET   IT   IN ???
(Scene continues in an orgy of screaming and torn flesh)

Now, what Shrimpjaw has to say next doesn't come very easy (unlike your aforementioned mothers). Although the Jaw de Shrimp is incapable of feeling fear, there have been some recent world events that he finds troubling. What's that you say, dear reader, as you spew Dorito crumbs all over your flabby wreck of a body? You think Shrimpjaw is worried about the recent flooding in the midwestern US? Jesus, would it kill you to ever make a prediction that's even remotely right? Why would we worry about something like that? As far as Shrimpjaw is concerned, the midwest is just that bland speck of vaguely brown land that sometimes catches our eye as we look down from the luxurious cabin of the Shrimpjet. And even then we only see it when we tire of plowing all the nubile young stewardesses. You may imagine that this does not happen often. Well, you might, if you were ever right about anything. But I digress, the intention of this statement was not to insult the many boring and painfully white inhabitants of the midwest, it was just an added bonus.

What's really been on Shrimpjaw's staggeringly advanced mind lately is the lack of deliciously scandalous news on our number one favorite human being in the world (aside from ourself) Katherine "Coco Kate" Moss. It seems like it was only yesterday that the scandal rags were chock of pictures of Kate shoving all kinds of things up her delicate nostrils. Ever since she popped out that kid and dropped professional drug addict boyfriend Pete "I Sold My Nickname for Drugs" Doherty the news about Kate has been more boring than the dinner conversation at the Paltrow-Martin house. Speaking of Lila Moss, she must have a fucking amazing doctor, because how that baby was born with fully functioning organs is beyond even our ability to comprehend. Anyway, what kind of news do they have about Kate now? Oh, she's been dating The Kills guitarist Jamie "Hotel" Hince (For the record, Shrimpjaw did not make that last nickname up, that was all the Hinceman). Yeah he's a revoltingly ugly, shitty British musician, which is nice, but where's all the drugs? I bet he's never even shot a bunch of heroin into his arm while in the middle of an interview. What a pussy.

Hey, remember that time Kate Moss did a bunch of cocaine, and then was caught on video camera doing said cocaine, and then she got off scot free because she's rich and famous and everyone just let that shit slide? God, those were the days. Come on Kate, baby. What happened? Was it something we did? Is the gold plated picture of you hanging in our palacial compound not good enough? Just say the word and we'll have it encrusted with diamonds. Is the Kate Moss Memorial Shrimpnasium too small? We'll add 20,000 seats. No, 30,000! Just jump back on that coke filled wagon, once, for us? For old times sake? If you don't, we'll have no choice but to start shopping around for another drug addled trainwreck to idolize. Amy Winehouse looks pretty ripe for the picking. Christ, she's going to need new robolungs in a matter of months because of all the crack she smokes. Now that's a role model. It'll be tough adjusting, but we can't keep holding a candle for you forever, Kate. We've simply got too many women we need to introduce to our jackhammer-like sexual prowess. I hope someday you'll understand. And hey, maybe Lila will pick up where you left off, just as soon as she's old enough to start snorting coke herself. So, what? Summer 2010?

You want more news? No, no, we weren't actually looking for you to answer.  God, just stop. Fine, more news. You're going to die alone, Shrimpfan.  There's some news for you. Well, it's not news to us, we've known you're going to die alone for a long time now, but maybe its news to you.

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